Joke

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!”

Jokes

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in … Some things you just can’t explain.”

Comment if you like it! 

Jokes

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.

Jokes

Faking News - Aug 20,2014

Private buses to give huggies to passengers to save time wasted in loo breaks en route

Bangalore. After complaints received from passengers about buses not stopping for personal restroom related emergencies, Susuno travels, a private bus company, has decided to provide three free huggies to every passenger as soon as they board the bus.

When we asked the owner of Susuno travels, we found that it was a tactical move to save time and also to let passengers pee whenever they feel like.

Buses with eco friendly facilities.

“We are completely aware of customer needs when it comes to using the restroom during travel, so we thought why not give them an easier way to do it? After all, huggies is now 30% bigger and 40% more moisture absorbent than before,” the owner of Susuno travel told Faking News.

“Apart from giving them freedom to pee, we will be saving almost 15 minutes of time waiting for passengers to use the restroom, thus allowing us to progress much faster to our destination,” he added.

On a trial run from Bangalore to Mumbai, customers were asked to wear the huggies diaper in the back of the bus and take their seats. During traveling 12 hours non stop, customers whistled and cheered whenever they had to use their given diapers.

On a trial run from Bangalore to Mumbai, customers were asked to wear the huggies diaper in the back of the bus and take their seats. During traveling 12 hours non stop, customers whistled and cheered whenever they had to use their given diapers.

“I think the customers loved it,” said the driver who was on board, “Apart from the times when it was used, the entire bus was generally silent and hardly anyone moved out of their seats.”

One passenger however had technical difficulty in applying the diaper hence caused problems during the go live state.

“Arrey I never used to put diapers for my kid how would I know how to apply one for myself?” said an angry passenger, “We need someone to do a virtual demonstration like how they do in flights for fastening seat belts etc.”

“Arrey I never used to put diapers for my kid how would I know how to apply one for myself?” said an angry passenger, “We need someone to do a virtual demonstration like how they do in flights for fastening seat belts etc.”

Customers were also satisfied that they had no reason to fight with the drivers anymore to stop the bus for restroom emergencies, and they could now travel in peace. Some customers were also found taking selfies with their diapers on.

Susuno travels, pioneers in innovation, have already started researching ways to deal with people who snore and cause other problems for fellow passengers. The bus company has informed Faking News that more innovative designs are to follow soon.

Five things to do to counter boredom of your monotonous job and to bring excitement to your life

 

Five things to do to counter boredom of your monotonous job and to bring excitement to your life

Faking News brings to you five simple ways to add excitement and fun to your otherwise boring office life. Follow them to feel yourself alive, once again.

Yes, you can.

1. Please avoid using bikes, cars and other vehicles for office commute. Instead, buy a horse or an elephant, and if there is some financial trouble, even a pony will do. Reaching office riding on any of these majestic animals with a laptop bag on your back will not only set you apart from the crowd, but will also help in bringing down pollution. Chances are high that your female colleagues will be asking for a lift to take a ride on your horse or elephant.

1. Please avoid using bikes, cars and other vehicles for office commute. Instead, buy a horse or an elephant, and if there is some financial trouble, even a pony will do. Reaching office riding on any of these majestic animals with a laptop bag on your back will not only set you apart from the crowd, but will also help in bringing down pollution. Chances are high that your female colleagues will be asking for a lift to take a ride on your horse or elephant.

2. Stop using elevators and stairs, and learn to climb up to your office floor like Spiderman or using ropes. It will be better if you take some mountaineering course. The adrenaline rush caused by getting involved in such adventure task every morning is surely going to cheer you up for the rest of the day. Doing such dangerous act before entering office will also prepare you mentally to take up any possible dangerous project inside office.

3. Request your boss to directly engage in physical fight with you instead of writing cold emails. Try your best to be at the receiving end, as the feeling of getting beaten up badly is quite liberating. And besides that, it will make your boss happy, which is good for your career. This way, your day at office will be unforgettable and worth remembering.

3. Request your boss to directly engage in physical fight with you instead of writing cold emails. Try your best to be at the receiving end, as the feeling of getting beaten up badly is quite liberating. And besides that, it will make your boss happy, which is good for your career. This way, your day at office will be unforgettable and worth remembering.

4. Make your life inside office further interesting by changing the way normal things happen. Break traditional rules like sitting on chair while working. Sit on the floor or on the table and take shower in office bathroom. Dance for 2 minutes on a regular interval. After reaching office make yourself comfortable like home; if possible, change your clothes and wear only shorts and vest. These steps will keep you relaxed and will further increase your productivity.

5. No matter how boring your work is, think of it as some kind of secret mission to save the world from getting destroyed. This will give you feel of being a superhero like Superman. Or if your are working for some foreign client, imagine yourself as someone who is representing India and you have to keep national pride intact by giving your best.

IDIOT420

Faking News - Aug 24,2014

Read Original article

Daily Jokes/Riddles

Panda A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. "Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I’m a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, ‘Excuse me, do you sell rabbits?’ 

‘Yes,’ I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, 

‘Would you like a white rabbit or would you prefer to have a soft, fluffy black rabbit?’ 

She shrugged. ‘I don’t think my python really cares.’ 

 

 

Can you solve?

You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?

What goes up and never comes down?

 

Please, if you read this post, try to answer, or give any wrong answer. But please try to give!

Daily Jokes

 

A  grad  student,  a  post-

doc,  and  a  professor  are  walking  through  a  city  park  and  they  

find  an  antique  oil  lamp.  They  rub  it  and  a  Genie  comes  out  in  a  puff  of  smoke.  

The  Genie  says,  "I  usually  only

  grant  three  wishes,  so  I'll  give  each  of  you  just  one."  

"Me  first!  Me  first!"  says  the  grad  student.  "I  want  to  be  in  the  Bahamas,  driving  a  speedboat  

with  a  gorgeous  woman  who  sunbathes  topless."  Poof!  He's  gone.  

"Me  next!  Me  next!"  says  the  post-doc.

 

"I  want  to  be  in  Hawaii,  relaxing  on  the  beach  with  a  

professional  hula  dancer  on  one  side  and  a  Mai  Tai  on  the  other."  Poof!  He's  gone.  

"You're  next,"  the  Genie  says  to  the  professor.  

The  professor  says,  "I  want  those  guys  back  in  the lab.

Daily Jokes & Riddles

Joke of the day! LOL

Five tips for women-
1. It's important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It's important that a man makes you laugh.
3.It's important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4.It's important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5.It's important that these four men don't know each other.

Riddle of the day- What kind of room has no windows or doors?

Please answer and give comments!